On Losing a Parent

When I learned that as many as 10,000 children had lost a parent in the tragic events of September 11, 2001, I was compelled to reveal some of my story in the hope that it might help others.

My dad was a great guy. We spent a lot of time working on projects together just before he died in a train accident in 1974. I was 12 years old. This is my story and what I learned along the way about losing a parent.

After learning about his death, the first advice I got was to "remain strong and don’t cry because we need to be there for mom". So I "stuffed" what I was feeling. The mourning period turned into a big party and I remember people saying "too bad Bob’s not here; he would have liked this." As the weeks went by, the people in our lives went back to their routines. My brothers went back to college and my mother and I were left were left to fend for ourselves.

To her credit, my mother tried to talk about dad but could not without breaking down. So, we stopped talking about him. Then mom became depressed. The thought of asking for help never crossed my mind. Where could I go? I had to protect mom. I was embarrassed about the whole thing. This was personal stuff. We were supposed to be better by now, right? I sucked it in and became the man of the house filling in for dad as best I could. Mom got a job and I was a latchkey kid. It wasn’t easy coming home to an empty house every day. But I had to be strong.

This continued for several years. During that time, one of my friend’s fathers took an active role in my wellbeing and profoundly changed my life for the better. My mom got better but there was a gaping wound we both felt but could not talk about. Twenty seven years later fallout from that wound still exists for both of us. When I went to college the change of environment unleashed a fury of anxiety and fear that nearly debilitated me. I had no idea what to do and was ashamed of myself for feeling all these crazy thoughts. After enduring a lot of pain for many years, I sought help and found my first therapist. After years of therapy, I landed on my feet and now live a productive, full life.

There are many lessons I learned along the way that I believe can only be fully understood by personal experience. Now I pass these lessons on to you, people who can make a difference in the lives of families who have suddenly lost a loved one, particularly the children left behind.

I became President of Jewish Family Service of North Shore, MA because I saw it as an opportunity to make sure that no child went through the kind of pain I endured. With so many children affected by the tragic events of September 11, I write this with the hope that some of them, or other children in your community who lose parents, can benefit from my experience. Here are some of the lessons I learned.

1. When a parent dies, the remaining parent can be so distraught that they cannot be counted on to look after the children. It is critical that someone step in and be there for each remaining child so that the child can communicate his or her feelings and any related symptoms can be identified and addressed. Don’t assume that this is automatically being done. Take the initiative to set this up. My father was a doctor and medical professionals surrounded us but they didn’t intervene.
2. Children do not know how to grieve. Death doesn’t make sense to a kid so the normal grieving process that has been identified for adults does not apply. The remaining child needs ongoing monitoring/mentoring until adulthood. He or she needs advice on how to cope and adapt as their ability to process what has happened evolves as they mature. Without guidance, children who lose parents can resort to "default" coping mechanisms, which, like mine, can be counterproductive and cause a lot of pain later in life.
3. Let a kid be a kid. The loss of a parent leaves a big void in any family. To some degree everyone has to pitch in and perform the roles that the lost parent provided. Performing adult roles should not become so consuming that the remaining children lose out on a normal childhood. People on the outside need to monitor the situation so that the children don’t assume full-time parental roles, thus sacrificing their formative years.
4. Don’t assume the children are receiving the counseling they need. Kids don’t know what counseling is and even if the remaining parent does it may be considered taboo, only for the weak or people who are crazy. Also, a child’s need for help may develop months or even years after the death of the parent. There is no need for that child to search blindly for help. Put a note in a tickler file and give the family/child a call every few months just to say "hi" and feel out the situation. Counseling may be readily available after the tragedy but hard to find and difficult to accept when "everything is back to normal". Furthermore the child may be embarrassed to ask for help after all the crying and attention are over.
5. Find out about any long-term projects the children were doing with the dead parent and make sure they are completed. This is an important source of closure. Even thought the parent is gone, it is helpful for a child to know that things of interest to them can still be a source of joy. Don’t let interests cultivated by the dead parent die with that parent.
6. Foster open communication between the children and the remaining parent. Often the experience is so painful that communication breaks down. Children need the remaining parent or a surrogate to talk to and fill the void. By fostering communication, the children and remaining parent gain strength from each other.
7. Help the children recognize where their natural strengths are so they move in the career direction that will suit them. The absence of a parent can have a profound effect on the remaining child(ren) knowing who they are and what they are good at. Part of the role of a parent is to provide direction. When there is only one parent, long-term planning can be sacrificed in place of day-to-day survival.
8. Children who lose parents are at risk for anxiety and depression. On top of all the obvious difficulties that losing a parent creates, surviving children need to be on the lookout for symptoms of anxiety and depression. The data shows they are much more likely than the general population to develop these conditions. Tell the children what to look for, or, more importantly, make sure someone is watching in case symptoms arise.

The death of a parent is a life-changing event that needs to be proactively managed. As a healthcare provider/interested party, make sure that over the long term the surviving child(ren)’s evolving well-being is maintained. Intervention at critical moments can help diffuse what otherwise can become much more painful and debilitating experiences.